Manic Amy makes shit happen

plus news about what's next for me, some words on the election & sundry other items

Oct 29, 2024

Well, last time I wrote to you all, I was recently returned from my thru-hike and an utter loss about what to do next. I thought I better give everyone an update before winter takes me.

I’ve been busy. For me, the fall equinox typically ushers in a period of increased and ambitious choice-making. You could medicalize this if you want and say the rapidly changing day length induces hypomania, and that’s true enough, but also I rely on such times to propel myself forward, into whatever the next thing is. The part of my self that is Fire sets some blazes going, lights the way. If I’m lucky, what I start in September and October, if I start it with enough clarity and intention, becomes a lighted path I can follow through the winter months, when I have no fire in me, just the memory of it.

I have finally realized, as I settle into my 50th year, that my manic self is not wrong about what I want. Sometimes some of that energy gets shunted into things that are poor substitutes for what I want, like new shoes. Sometimes what I want is neither pretty nor appropriate, which is awkward, but nonetheless, it’s what I want. Sometimes I think what I want is so bad, makes me such a terrible person, that instead of going after what I want I turn all that energy into destroying the part of me that wants it (this gets ugly fast and never works).

I do not speak for other people about what their manias are like, but I have finally accepted that Manic Amy is not fundamentally wrong about what I want, but in fact wants what I want with the flaming clarity of the sunlight slanting through the autumn ivy at my window, the clarity of a still glowing red maple leaf. Manic Amy is not a false prophet of my desires, but often the only person willing to want them so hard that they tumble into reality.

No this is not usually a comfortable time, it does not feel good to be inside the skin of a prophet, it is not always fun to understand what one wants, and it is not always possible to go after it. I have often been too scared to, and that was sometimes, in the past, why I instead bought so many clothes. It is easier to buy things to dress for the person you would like to be than it is to become her, and I don’t mean that dressing the part is not important, but just because a person has purchased too many tiaras doesn’t mean they have become a queen.

I’m sure you’re impatient. What does this all mean, Amy? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Two things:

I rented a room of my own.

I signed a year-long lease of a 320 sq ft art studio about a half an hour walk from my apartment. I decided I have been making do with corners of rooms and rooftops and walk-in closets for long enough, and that to do the work I need to do now, make the things I want to make, I need a room of my own. (Some of the art I want to make is large).

This room has a window, and a door that locks. I will write in it, and I will paint in it, and I will take photographs in it, and I will invite my friends to take respite in it and maybe even, sometimes, I will nap in it. As I always do, I feel like a selfish asshole for doing this, but when I want something so desperately that I am willing to let myself and other people (if necessary) call me a selfish asshole for wanting it, I have learned, finally, that it is a pretty bad idea to insist on making a show of self-sacrifice and not just instead getting the thing.

This particular studio was a remarkable stroke of luck, and the Goddess does not look kindly on those who reject their good luck because other people didn’t get it or couldn’t have it or because someone might think they’re selfish or because they did not have to actually bleed for it. I have bled plenty, and I’ve sacrificed plenty of what I wanted for the sake of some other good, and I am pleased as punch that I let myself have this glorious, glorious space.

The lease starts on November 1st, and I will have a whole year to learn what I can make when I have that kind of space to make it. I’m unbelievably excited about it.

I also committed to writing a book.

Which book? you ask. The one about the thru-hike. But it’s also about a lot of other stuff. It’s going to be amazing, and I’m so excited to finally commit to writing a book. I have a date in mind by which I’d like to finish a solid draft, but I’ve only spoken with a couple of people about that, so far. It’s not ready to be a public date.

I have tried to write a lot of books in my life; in fact, one of the things I have always known I wanted to do is write books. I have a depressing number of journal entries over the years that purport to explain exactly why writing a book isn’t possible or desirable for me. I am full of justifications for why I haven’t done it, can’t do it, don’t even want to do it, will never do it, will die perfectly happy never having written a book, and all of that is bullshit because manic Amy always wants to write a fucking book, says of course you should do this, you have not stopped writing words since you could write them.

Of course nothing else, no amount of newsletter or blog or essay or article or poem or angry letter to blue cross will ever fill that need for you, you can run from it forever if you like but do you really want to die not having written a single book?

No, I really don’t. The book is coming. The flame has been lit. The path is not fully clear but I can see, at least, the next turn.

I hope you want to read this book. I hope you’ll say supportive things to me about it, and maybe throw me a paid subscription if you want to materially support its becoming.

And I will keep you posted on how it’s going and I will let you know when I have a specific timeline I’m ready to share.

Now for other stuff:

I went to visit my parents in my hometown in Florida, and I have safely returned. The key to coming home safely from Florida is not to accept a margarita from anyone while you are there. If you do, you are condemned to waste away in Margaritaville for half of every year, like Persephone.

I had a few beers, but no margaritas. I went kayaking with my mom and saw some amazing birds. We were in this two-person inflatable kayak that was a little long in the tooth, and sometime during our trip the kayak lost its rudder. My mom and I had to spend twice as much time getting back to the boat launch as we’d spent paddling away, because we kept veering wildly off-course. We thought this was very funny, somehow, and it was very healing for my relationship with my mom, which, like all such relationships, is very complicated and hasn’t always been that great. I also got to enjoy a beautiful moment with my father, freaking out because he changed the channel 20 seconds before the end of a Washington Commanders game that he believed was definitively lost, only to miss an incredible hail mary pass that caused them to win. I don’t really follow football, but my dad’s followed the DC team since I was a kid and it was fun to share at least the replay moment with him. (honestly, it’s worth watching, even if you don’t care about football).

Another day we went out to the wildlife refuge and saw many, many birds, including several Anhingas, whose wings are indescribably beautiful and really don’t look mortal in the least. Also I got sunburnt and am covered in mosquito bites, and somehow Florida mosquitoes make much bigger welts on me than the mosquitoes up here do, I don’t know why that is.

It was a good visit to my parents and to Florida and I’m also very happy to be home in Boston now.

Um, the takeaway I guess is that even if you have spent years struggling with family relationships, sometimes the passage of time or some change in people’s lives or some alchemy just makes them less of a damn struggle, and you get to spend slightly more time loving the people you love and slightly less time at odds with them.

Here’s a sunset I saw on my last night there:

A plug (about someone else):

One of the things I decided to give myself (I know, I’m giving myself a lot these days) is some actual help writing the book that I am writing. I have been working with a developmental editor on the book. Her name is Hanne Blank Boyd and I have known of her and read things she’s written and subscribed to her reasons not to quit in one form or another since before substack was a twinkle in a founder’s eye, and while of course I am a very long way from finishing the book (I’m just starting it!) I feel hopeful about it in part because she has already been so helpful and encouraging about it. Hanne is also running a cool group program for making your dreams real and she also does other consulting and coaching and while I haven’t read all her books, I believe they are all worth reading. Anyhoo.

Two plugs about me:

Coaching/consulting: I like helping engineers and the people who lead them. If you could use some help from a baba yaga type who has been around in the industry for far too long, let’s chat. I’m experimenting with a sliding scale for my coaching so that it’s more accessible to folks who especially might need/want my queer femme bipolar ex-VPE weirdo perspective on their stuffs, but regardless, your first conversation with me is always free (although I do accept tips). Feel free to also smash that reply button and reach out over email.

Photo and art collabs! (boston local, mainly): I hope to do some really interesting photo projects once I move into my studio, and I’m looking for folks who might want to participate or collaborate in one way or another. You might want to do that by commissioning some work from me, or maybe you have a photo project yourself that you want me to collaborate on as a model/stylist/photographer etc. Or maybe you might like to rent my studio for a project of your own! You can just smash that reply button and get in touch with me!

The donkey/elephant in the room:

The US presidential election is nigh. I urge my US readers to cast their votes for Harris and if they mailed in ballots to follow up to ensure that their mail-in ballots made it all the way to be counted. No, I’m not going to sell you some crap about how what’s important is just voting, whoever you vote for. It actually matters a lot to me that we not elect a racist misogynist sociopath who would rule as a dictator and gives 0 fucks about anyone but himself and also would empower other racist misogynist sociopaths (like Elon Musk) .

Yes, I remain enraged at the fact that our nation is aiding and abetting a genocide, but Trump becoming president will not make that situation better. Voting for a third party candidate or not voting so your hands remain clean will not stop that genocide. Voting for Kamala Harris probably will also not stop the genocide, but Trump being president will definitely make it much, much worse. Also it would make so many other things in the world much worse. I understand other people have passionate other opinions on this, and I respect that, but this is my publication and here I get to say what I think.

Jeff Bezos may tell the Washington Post it can no longer make endorsements, but at least for the moment, I am still allowed to, and I endorse Kamala Harris for President.1

Also on the topic of the election:

I would like to remind everyone that this election is too close to call. Don’t look at the polls. Do whatever the things you are doing to feel slightly more like you are influencing things than watching helplessly, if that helps; spend less time watching helplessly, if that helps. I am not especially optimistic, but I am also not preemptively assuming the bad thing will happen, because if the bad thing is going to happen, I can deal with that when it comes.

I’ve been reading this great series of fae detective novels lately2, that my friend Avdi turned me on to, and in one of them, October Daye, the main character, is freaking out about something bad that hasn’t quite happened yet. And she is with the sea witch, a truly terrifying being, and they have the following conversation:

“Stop,” she said, not unkindly. “You’re chasing the tide again, and you’re never going to catch it.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your head. It’s got its own undertow, you know, and if you swim too deep, it can suck you down. You can’t chase the tide. You need to stay on the shore and let it come to you.”3

For the next week, we’re all gonna find it pretty easy to be swept out to sea by our own damn brains. Let’s not let that happen. We do not have to drown in this moment. We can stand on the shore with some strength in our legs, holding on to one another, and the tide will come in, and we will do what we need to do, together, and we will not have drowned ourselves in fear and sorrow before the fearful, sorrowful thing even happened. The future is NOT A DONE DEAL, and we do not know exactly what it will bring, however much we pretend we do or wish we did.

Hold your people close, stand strong, and take care of yourself. Read some fae detective novels, do some coloring books, make a good meal, come up with an incredible halloween costume, watch the sunset, love your people. A sea witch told me not to chase the tide, and I’m gonna take the sea witch’s advice on this one.

Xoxoxo,

Amy

PS Here are all my obligatory buttons. I do really like when people click them though! And you can always just SMASH THAT REPLY BUTTON.

Amy Writes Words

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