tripping on the threshold

once, there was a queen who wanted instead to be a forest witch...

okay, I’m down to my last three days at home before leaving.

I told my friend Carl I’d stubbed my pinky toe on my couch 10 days before leaving and he mentioned to me that tripping on the threshold of something huge has big myth energy all over it. Colleen, the physical therapist, says it’s very common for people to stub their toe when they’re packing: they are flustered, everything is out of place, they are anxious, but they’re not yet being careful in the way they have to be careful when they actually start on the journey, because they are still at home. But not really.

I remembered that thresholds are dangerous places, and googled, and found many law firms willing to represent people who tripped on a threshold. When we stub our toe and fall forward into a future that is not exactly what we envisioned, we want compensation. But every day is a threshold, and the future will never ever be exactly what we envisioned.

I remembered a friend is just about to, maybe right now is in the middle of, giving birth, an incredibly dangerous threshold. When I remembered this, I took a minute to settle myself and to send her a big ole ball of WE CAN DO THIS energy, which is energy I’m summoning for myself in large amounts these days as well.

Last night while I was toasting the summer with some friends on their roof deck, my neck decided to start complaining. It turns out when you’re about to do something physically challenging your body doesn’t like the idea and tries to talk you out of it, again and again. My feet are scared, my shoulders are scared, my neck is scared. I’m scared. What happens when I walk through this door? What will break? What will bend? Who will I be at the end of this journey? Have I built a life large enough to accommodate the person who returns?

Thresholds, thresholds, thresholds.

***

Once upon a time, there was a queen who was very tired of the things of this world, who did not want to be a queen anymore. I don’t want to be a queen, she said, I want to be a forest witch instead. She went to the forest and sat there. The forest whispered to her, if you want to be a forest witch, come and walk in the forest. I don’t know how to walk so far and so long in a forest, said the queen. Usually, I take an Uber. The forest sent a small red fox to the queen one day as the queen was sitting in an adirondack chair wishing she could be a forest witch instead. The red fox looked at her, and she looked at the fox, and the fox took off running away into the forest. The forest sent lightning to the castle the queen was staying in, the forest sent rain. If you want to be a forest witch, said the forest, you must come and walk in the forest.

Walking in the forest is hard, said the queen. It is too hot and too cold. It goes up and down, pointlessly, again and again. It makes me sweat and makes my feet swell, said the queen. Maybe I can just sit, instead.

No, said the forest. You can’t just come and sit, you have to walk. You’re smart and resourceful, figure it out.

If I learn to walk in the forest said the queen, then I will be different. I will not be a beautiful queen in a castle anymore, with my beautiful clothes and my beautiful sharp pointy shoes. I will have big thighs and big calves and big glutes and big feet. I might not like my castle anymore. I might not fit into my pretty queen clothes anymore. I might not fit into my life anymore, said the queen. I’m scared, said the queen.

I thought you didn’t want to be a queen anymore, said the forest.

It’s complicated, said the queen.

Do you love me or don’t you, said the forest to the queen.

I love you, said the queen. I love you so much that when I am inside you, I cry tears of joy. I hardly ever cry tears of joy, said the queen, but when I am with you, I do.

Come and walk with me, then, said the forest. I know you are scared.

Okay, said the queen. I will.

***

The queen spent a year preparing for her walk in the forest. She learned many new things, and she walked many miles. She made a big spreadsheet. She made many plans so that her castle would not fall down while she was away. She delegated many things. She saw many experts. She prepared and prepared. Then right before she was leaving, she stubbed her toe on her throne while she was packing her bag. Oh no, said the queen, I can’t go! Her heart was broken. All was lost! But then, one of the queen’s experts said oh no, queen, that was just a little stumble. All is not lost! You can go and walk in the forest! And the queen cried tears of joy at the thought that she would soon be with her love, the forest, walking.

Still, she was very afraid. She had a printed out list of angels who would drive her to and from the forest, but she knew there was no Uber in the forest. She would have to go up hills and down them, in the hot sun and in the pouring rain. I will go up hills and down them, said the queen to the forest, for you, because I love you. And what do I gain at the end of this journey, will I have you forever? Will I be a forest witch? Will I still also be a queen? Will I get what I want? Will I want something else? What do I want, anyways?

So many questions, said the forest. No answers. There’s a surprise and another surprise and another surprise after that, said the forest. Isn’t that enough?